FOOD PORN AT THE LA COUNTY FAIR

 I grew up in Allentown, Pennsylvania in the heart of PA Dutch Country, where funnel cakes were born and a local county fair staple for generations. It’s been less than 2 decades since funnel cakes swept the rest of the country’s county fairs as a favorite fried concoction giving tasters raging food woody with every bite.

But not every vendor offered the popular new treat, and if folks fought over fried pancake batter topped with powdered sugar, a buck was to be made having people go gaga over other fried goodies. But the question remained: how to compete?  It wasn't until the mid 1990's that genius struck with the  creation of Fried Twinkies. This was the genesis of the current culinary trend sweeping our fairs: “What Already-Made Food Can We Deep Fry?”

Over the years I caught all the food and travel TV programs highlighting these culinary novelties popping up at fairs, which increased my desire to try them. After 23 years in Los Angeles, 2010 turned out to be the year I would pop my California fair cherry in Pomona.

Upon arriving with my foodie cohort, Sunny, we made a pact to only eat fried foods - and the weirder the better. Walking down the aisles of booths, the enormous size of the food stand signage reminded me of New York City years ago, when 42nd street was lined with XXX porno theaters with colorful building-sized signs to entice potential horny customers into their lair.  The LA fair was no different to the eye, but all the vendors can promise for the hype is food woody.

We hit pay dirt at Chicken Charlie’s. Giant fried food photos, high-flying banners with video and loud music from hidden speakers drew us in. Here we started our food orgy with the fried Oreo’s, Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich, Fried Frog Legs, Fried Klondike Bar, Fried White Castle Burger and the classic Fried Twinkies.  With all that sugary fried food, the only appropriate beverage was a couple of Diet Cokes.  The grand total was about 50 bucks.  But who cares? Split two ways you can't even buy crack that cheap.

 Deep Fried Oreo's come four to an order. The surprise was the crunch is gone after the recooking process and they become quite a tasty doughnut.  The secret is in the chocolate sauce and powdered sugar.

Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich is the perfect blend of America's favorite jelly doughnut surrounding a mechanically processed grilled chicken patty. Served with a packet of honey, it's the lube you need to get it in and down, but watch out for head vein popping.  Surprising is how well the smooth raspberry jam pairs with chunky processed chicken like cranberry sauce and turkey.

Fried Frog Legs taste like fish AND taste like chicken.  It's the food hybrid.  Add a little salt and hot sauce for a bone-licking good time.  But what do they do with the rest of the frog?

Deep Fried Klondike Bar is the poor man's Baked Alaska where the chocolate coating mixes with the ice cream during frying for a gooey yummy treat. The secret is in the chocolate sauce and powdered sugar.

What could be better than a White Castle Burger? A FRIED White Castle Burger! Everything inside the new batter surround seems to breakdown into a cheesy beefy bready orgasm in the mouth. It could have used a little chocolate sauce and powdered sugar.

 Fried Twinkies looks like everything else but the tastes is much more delicate and rewarding. The secret is in the chocolate sauce and powdered sugar.

All that sugar leaves you wanting nothing but water to flush out your system, but a double Margarita can also do the trick. I chose to enjoy it on the rocks where it's served in a red souvenir Sauza shaker bottle and shot glass.


As we continued walking the midways, every food vendor tried to lure us their way. The Fried Avocado sounded great but we weren’t ready to eat more food. Fried Peanut Butter and Jelly? Why that's for beginners. Fried S'Mores? I'm no food prude but I have boundaries. And all the stands of BBQ looked mouth-watering amazing, from slow roast ribs to pulled pork sandwiches to smoked turkey legs to sausage and peppers. If only they were deep fried.

We eventually cheated and broke our fried-only diet with a couple tacos al pastor – that’s with bbq’d pork.  Mexican food is the most reasonably priced fare at the fair and the tacos were only $2.50 each topped with onions, cilantro and salsa.

We decided our mission was to find the Fried Reese's and Fried Dill Pickles, but without success, we got briefly sidetracked in the grandstands betting on some pretty ponies.  Losses were minimal and we refocused to continue off on our fried crusade.

Every diet needs fiber, so for something healthy, we opted for the Apple Fries served with whipped cream.   They sure looked great, but didn’t  even have enough flavor to make me fake food woody. What saved the moment we now refer to as ‘The Apple Incident,” was the 5 o’clock parade marching down Broadway in front of us.  Tartan-clad high school bands, floats with riders throwing Mardi Gras beads, followed by giant Clydesdale horses close enough to be trampled by, thoroughly entertained us.

After the parade we found heaven again right next door. “One Fried Snickers and one Fried Reese's please,” were words I had always dreamed of saying and now actually said. “That will be $8,” the clerk replied. The first bite of the Reese's ejaculated molten peanut ooze on my face. With finger and tongue I got every drop.  The Snicker's was goooood too.

Presentation of the fried foods is all the same with a brownish gray lump garnished with powdered sugar. But that's like complaining you can't enjoy porn because the music sucks.

Food Woody Blue Ribbon under the sweet category goes to "Fried Twinkies with Chocolate Drizzle" for it's crisp clean taste that is truly heightened by frying. Runners up are "Fried Reese's on a Stick" and "Fried Klondike Bar. " Savory blue ribbon goes to the "Fried White Castle Burger"  for its shear awesomeness being edible.  

This day of food orgy left us sweaty, tired and sticky as would be expected. I'll be back next year, however; Sunny and I have already decided to skip the other fried stuff and focus on BBQ.  Of course if someone has fried dill pickles we'll have to get them too, since they were out of them the day we went. And I didn't get to try the Fried Avocado. Or Fried Zucchini. Or even a Funnel Cake. How decadent could a Fried S'Mores be? Now I'm thinking Why didn't I buy a season pass?